Howdy! It's been about two months since I last wrote here, and I kinda wanted to reflect on that briefly, in part because I have mentioned previously that I wanted to write at least one post a month, if not more. I technically hit about twice a month for a short bit there, but obviously fell off.
That's a sort of a pattern I find in my life a lot. It would be easy to say "oh my interest in the blog thing just waned." But that's not exactly accurate. I do still want to write just as much as I did before. I still do have a desire to do almost all the things that I have fallen off from doing (and there are many). I think it's relatively rare, for me at least, to quit doing something because I just totally lost interest. Occasionally it will happen with media, like a book or game or movie I'm just not getting anything out of, but pretty much never with my actual pursuits.
What happens more often, and it holds true in this case as well, is that there is A) a roadblock or roadblocks, and B) some other project to draw my time or attention away. Those two things separately can really arrest forward progress on any sort of project. Together they're killer.
All of this is a sign, a symptom of what we call ADHD. It is far from the only ADHD trait that I exhibit. But I must clarify that I am undiagnosed for any sort of neurodivergence, so I’m somewhat wary of openly declaring something like “I have ADHD," or even "I think I have ADHD," (though I do think that). But also I’ve never been evaluated for ADHD either, hence the wariness at self-diagnosis. That is somewhat of a sidebar, but clearly I think it's worth mentioning in connection to this subject.
I want to preface this next section by saying that I am not complaining. I am not whining about these things. I record them here at least in part because the act of writing about them is a way for me to process them. Perhaps, if you find yourself here, reading this post, you might relate to some of these things. Maybe reading about them will help you process them as well, though I claim no authority on definitive answers. So, with that in mind, here are some roadblocks:
1) No one cares. I returned to writing a blog not for the edification of anyone else. I am not necessarily writing to an audience. I know that I am owed no one's attention. But to be quite honest seeing that a post has zero views kinda hurts. That's a me problem, I know. I knew going in that I should assume no one actually cares what I have to say or write.
At the same time, though, I am posting these publicly at least in part because a portion of me does want people to see and read them. If I didn't, I would write them solely in an actual paper journal instead of posting online, which is a practice I intermittently do. Another part of posting these online is so that I actually write a full piece, a full "essay" or "article", if you will, instead of the aimless ramblings of a journal (or of the dozens of draft posts I have started but never finished). So, I know I should not focus on the external element and focus instead on the internal reasons for writing. If an audience exists, it will come in time. I am not owed it, I must earn it. Doesn't mean a big Zero doesn't sting a little, but that's life, isn't it? That's art. It needs to be for me first.
2) No one cares part two. Someone who in the past has encouraged me to write, someone who said they'd read anything I put out, when I sent them the link to my Wizards review replied "If I don't care about Bakshi or his wizards, why should I care to read about them?"
Oof.
If this person changed their mind and no longer desires to read the things I write, that is their prerogative, of course. I know they tend to be busy, I believe they mentioned they only have limited time to read these days in the same message. But I didn’t make any demands, I just shared a link, and expected them to get around to it on their own schedule, or never. That’s often how I operate as well, getting around to things when I can. I can’t always drop everything to check out something someone sends me, but I also don’t just immediately reject the suggestion.
Maybe this person knows Bakshi by his other works and legitimately doesn't care to know another single thing about the man or his films. Fine, I suppose. Bakshi isn't for everyone.
But it was still kinda discouraging.
Isn't the whole point of a review to tell you about a thing, so you can decide if you care or not? If you come across a review of a thing you don't have an interest in, reading the review is a way to decide if it's worth changing that or not.
I know some people won't care one way or another. I don't read every review about everything ever either. It was just that combination of the theoretical support with the rejection that kind of flabbergasted me.
And yeah, again, one person's opinion, or the world's apathy, shouldn't dissuade one from doing something (assuming of course that the thing they're doing isn't causing harm and is an okay thing to do). It was just, ya know... oof.
3) Interesting/Worthy Subject. This is related to something I said above, specifically the thing about having a bunch of orphaned drafts. I've started a good deal of write-ups only to wind up unable to find the right way to convey the thoughts and feelings I have on the subject or with less to say than I thought.
This is just a part of the creative process, so it's not a huge problem. It's just a bit of a hurdle or roadblock to getting something out.
I have four published since my return to da blog, and (counting this) seven "drafts". Some are longer than others, none is really close to publish-ready. They would all take a good amount of effort (relatively speaking) to get publish-ready. Looking at this situation positively, I have seven ideas that at one point I thought good enough to start, so that's seven good places to start (well, six, since this one is definitely getting finished and published).
Anyway, this is actually very related to the next potential roadblock:
4) The inner critic. A part of me wants to call it imposter syndrome, as in: let's assume I am actually a decent writer, or at least not totally garbage, but my imposter syndrome tells me I’m awful. But what if it isn’t imposter syndrome? What if I really do suck at writing?
Well, that’s what practice is for, and this whole blog thing was at least in part meant to be practice.
On days I’m not horribly depressed I like to think I’m at least okay at writing. But sometimes putting words down is hard, and nothing seems to be right or good or I just can’t express it, as stated above. So maybe I suck. Maybe I don’t. But those times when I sit and I just can’t get anything coherent out make it hard to keep going, or to try again the next day.
This is kind of related to the first two points also, in that if no one is reading it, does it matter? Maybe I post garbage and no one reads it, but I find satisfaction in having written and hitting that button on the top of my screen that says "Publish".
5) Time allocation aka distractions. This is different from my “some other project to draw my time or attention away” above. When I have another project that I’m working on I may legitimately not have time to write posts or short fiction or whatever. But what I mean here is that when I do have time to write, I’m not actively working on something else productive, but I instead do something else that isn’t productive or whatever.
I’m not saying that taking time to enjoy yourself is bad, not at all. I value my distractions, they keep me sane and semi-functional. Everyone needs something to help them relax, to unwind.
But there are times when I’m not unwinding, but I end up just sitting and playing Deep Rock Galactic Survivor or Fallout 4 or whatever else, because I just feel like doing it instead of doing something productive. Time that I don’t need to be cooking, cleaning, taking care of my children, working on something, or anything else. Time that I could be using to write, or work any other various projects, but I just… don’t. Why? Like I said, it’s easier to start a video game than it is to put effort into something. It feels good faster.
I do enjoy writing, but it takes much more of a different type of effort. The satisfaction is different. Perhaps more real in a sense, but less immediate. Neither is necessarily worse or better than the other, at least in the right time and place. But that's what I'm saying, sometimes I do indeed go for the easier instead of putting effort into things.
The most obvious solution is before starting up a video game to just stop and ask myself "Do I really need this right now? Is there something better I could be doing?" Sometimes the answer really is "Yeah I do need this right now" and then so be it, I shall enjoy it. But not always.
And I think that's it. Those may not be every roadblock to posting, but they are the biggest (or at least most obvious) ones.
So instead of just succumbing to them, I will aim to post here at least once a month. Maybe I end up posting shorter things. Not every post needs to be long or detailed, it just has to be something. Often when I write something like this, I want to be exhaustive. But small ideas are okay too. We'll see!
Thanks for reading!
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